Whatever else you have on your mind,
Wherever else you think you're going,
Stop for a moment and look where you are:
You Have Arrived!

I Love Food and
I Refuse to Feel Guilty!

Previously Published: You Have Arrived October 17, 2005
by Kaye Bailey

Fat people are well practiced at suffering guilt and I was no exception.

When I was fat I felt guilty for loving food, guilty for being fat, guilty for eating food, guilty for enjoying food. I felt guilty of failure because I couldn’t lose weight with any long-term success. I felt guilty and ashamed when I finally did something about my obesity: gastric bypass surgery. Fat people do guilt well, who else would feel guilty for taking a life-saving measure to improve their health?

It was my belief prior to surgery that after WLS I would never enjoy food again. I committed to eating simple protein and drinking water, which would result in a thin happy, me. I followed the rules and lost weight on schedule. And like most gastric bypass patients once I reached goal I felt confident and strayed back to the old food habits, particularly processed carbs and snacking. With that returned the feelings of guilt, which directly lead, to self-loathing. It is interesting how closely together guilt and self-loathing travel. In a strange way I felt comfortable having back my old friends: guilt and self-loathing. These emotions were much more comfortable than the new feelings of success, accomplishment and personal satisfaction from achieving weight loss.

Psychologists tell us we turn to food for comfort. What I learned about myself is I was most comfortable emotionally when suffering the familiar emotion of guilt. When I ate the foods that willfully broke the rules I felt guilty and ashamed yet it was emotionally comfortable. I was comfortable because for a lifetime I honed my skills of guilt, shame, personal disgust and self-loathing. I did not feel emotionally comfortable celebrating my accomplishments, enjoying my weight loss or seeing the stranger in the mirror. Nothing about my new body, my new lifestyle and new emotions was remotely familiar or comfortable. It was more comfortable to be self-destructive than self-productive.

Eventually a stronger inner force emerged. With constant nurturing from my husband I began to understand I had earned my new body and new health: it had not been given to me. With rehearsed precision I accepted compliments and soon I started believing them. I started feeling comfortable feeling good about myself. With time I gave myself credit for what I had accomplished with "the tool." As corny as it sounds, I was learning to love myself. As I changed my inner force toward self-loving I found there is no emotional room for self-loathing and guilt. Today I am comfortable with feelings of self-acceptance. I no longer need to punish myself with food to find emotional comfort with guilt.

This did not happen quickly and my personal project is not yet finished: there is no finish line. It will take vigilance each day to keep the emotional demons at bay. I am willing to fight this battle because I like who I have become. Don’t we all deserve self-love?

Today I am still guilty of loving food, but I don’t suffer guilt from that love. These days the foods I love are healthful and nutritious. Considering that and my built-in tool for portion control I have a winning combination for weight loss success and personal accomplishment. So do you.

This "You Have Arrived" is all about the wonderful foods of autumn – I hope you are guilty of loving yourself and loving food too.

Cheers! Kaye

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© 2005-2007 Kaye Bailey - All Rights Reserved